Lazy Weekend

I didn't get a chance to blog last night, but that's okay since I didn't do too much! I slept until close to 11 on Saturday. Then, I spent most of the day playing Lego Batman with Brandon. We were working on getting achievements and trying to 100% it. We played until Rob got here and had made it to 95.7%. So close! I sat reading while Rob watched football, then headed up to Christopher's room to sleep. I hate not being able to sleep in my recliner, but Rob needed it for his daughter, Tessa. I thought about trying to blog, but it wasn't worth the hassle I'd get from Rob, so I just went to bed. Today I got up earlier, around 9:45. I couldn't believe that no one else was up yet! The only reason that I was up was because I was meeting Jessica at the library so that we could go to Broadway Palms for a show. She had gotten 2 free tickets and thought I might like the show. It was called "Forbidden Broadway" and was a parody of Broadway hits. It was a pretty good show. We had a nice time and got to see what was coming up there. I saw a couple of shows that I'd like to see. Maybe I can get Rob to take me for my birthday. When I finally got home, Brandon and I continued with Lego Batman. There are some achievements that I can't get because I'm not player 1. That means that we will have to play it through a second time. We managed to get it 100% completed, but are still missing some achievements. Guess they'll have to wait til the second time through. All is quiet here. I'm going to bed when I'm done with this. I should have worked on homework this weekend, but since it's not due until Wednesday, I'll do it another time. Good night, all. Pleasant dreams.

Healing

I almost didn't blog tonight because I didn't want to write another depressing blog. I finally decided that since this for me anyway, it didn't really matter if it is depressing! I got through another day at work. I even managed not to cry while doing it. That's progress. I find myself thinking about him a lot. Wondering what I could have done differently. In hindsight, I think that I would have spared him all the force feedings and IVs and just let him die quietly. I hate knowing that I put him through so much for nothing. I'm looking forward to having the weekend off. I even have plans! I'm going to play Lego Batman on Saturday, and I'm going to Broadway Palms on Sunday for a matinee. My friend, Jessica, has free tickets. I also need to get my homework done, AND I'm taking Brandon to Olive Garden for linner on Saturday. The busier I stay, the less time I have to brood. Well, since I took a couple of sleeping pills over two hours ago, I should probably get some sleep. Good night everyone. Sleep well.

A Sad Goodbye

This is a day that I will be happy to see the last of. It started out before my 7:15 alarm went off. I had planned on feeding Smudge before I went to work. I called to him, but there was no response. I could see him in the little house at the bottom of the kitty condo. I reached in and he was cold and stiff. He had died some time during the night. I can't even begin to describe how I felt. I woke Rob up and him came in and took care of getting Smudge out and burying him. I couldn't have taken care of things myself. I told Brandon what had happened and he cried for the first time in years. We had gotten Smudge when he was very little, had been in Brandon's life for as long as he could remember. I managed to go to work, but would cry on and off. My co-workers were very understanding. Several of them have cats, too and are very attached to them. They knew how much I was hurting. I can't seem to stay focused, so I'm making this short. I'll write more about Smudge when my heart isn't hurting as much. Have a peaceful night. Good night.

Other People Have Bad Days Too

I didn't blog last night. I was tired. Not just my body, but my soul as well. I haven't had a good nights sleep in for as long as I remember. I'm in constant pain, I'm always stressed, and now I have worries about Smudge. I set my alarm for 8am, but woke up before 7:30. I needed to call the vets and get some help getting Smudge to eat. He's not eating on his own at all, he barely drinks and doesn't move around much. I have to mix a high calorie wet food with water and put it in a suringe. Then I have to force feed him the mixture. I also have to force a high calorie paste into him. Both of these I do three times a day. If that isn't enough, I still have to give him the IV every night. On top of all that, work has been crazy, with me having to be on desk 4 hours each day, I have Statistics homework and projects due, AND I have a son who calls me just to yell at me then hang up! When I called the office at CVI, I did it out of concern. Not to fuck with my son's life! I am not there and I worry about him. I guess that makes me a terrible person! Im not perfect, but I try to be a good person and do the right things. I'm an awful mom, an ungrateful girlfriend, and a bitter employee. Now that all my shortcomings are known, I think I'll take care of the cat and go to bed. At least when I'm asleep, I can't screw anything up. Rest well, friends.

Just a note. Smudge died during the night. He was the only male cat I've ever had and was very sweet. He will be missed, but he's not in pain any more.

Home is Where the Heart Is

That said, my home is in two places. I may be back in Fort Myers, but I left part of my heart in Orlando. I had such a wonderful time with Christopher. Just talking to him is nice (even if I don't always understand everything that he says). I tortured him this morning by making him get up. I knew that we didn't have much time together today before I had to leave. We got up, got showers and headed out. First stop: Costco. We wandered around looking for snacks and other supplies. Next stop: Target. Our main reason for going there was to get Cherry Coke and look for a de-humidifier. Couldn't find a de-humidifier and forgot the Cherry Coke. We did find one of those products advertised on TV to remove scratches from your car. We headed out for food at Boston Market next. I was dreading what was coming next. It was time for me to leave. I have school on Monday nights and needed to be back in town no later than 5:30. As much as I love seeing my son, leaving him tears me up inside. It's not that I think that he can't live without me, it's just that I truely enjoy his company. He makes me smile. I can see so much potential in him. Even he doesn't always see that. I know that someday he will make his mark on this world. I just hope that he has someone special to share that moment with (besides his mother, that is). I will keep believing that his future will bloom and grow and that someday he will look back on this time in his life and laugh. I have pretty much decided that I will continue blogging. I started out doing it for Christopher, now I'm doing it for me. I'm going to write what I think and feel and not worry about what anyone may say. Some of my blogs may be upbeat, and some may be dark and depressing. It will all depend on the kind of mood that I'm in. Oh, and I'm okay with spelling and grammar, but I suck at creating paragraphs! Too bad. Even though I don't have to be at work until 12:30 tomorrow, I'm getting up at 8. Smudge isn't eating or drinking on his own so I'm going to try to get him into the vets. As usual, I leave you with a wish for a pleasant nights sleep. TTFN

A Great Day

Wow! I had a wonderful day! I forgot how much I enjoyed being with Christopher. I woke up around 10 and tried to get him up and moving. I wasn't very successful, so I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, it was 1pm. I didn't want to waste all my time sleeping, so I made him get up and going. We went to Fazzolis for lunch, then headed out to Fort Christmas. It wasn't hard to find, and the drive was beautiful. I could easily live up here. There are still a lot of trees and country places. Fort Christmas was real neat. It was a fort that was started on Christmas day before the Seminole Indian war. It had a lot of old stuff from that time period through the early 1900s. They had some of the old Florida cracker style houses that we walked through. It was a beautiful day. Not too hot, with a little breeze. We walked all around and just talked. It was nice to just be able to relax. On the way back, I was talking about how nice it was around there with the trees and wildlife and Christopher didn't think there could be much wildlife left, with all the fences around. I told him that there were probably foxes, deer, boar and a lot of other animals. He didn't believe me. Just about that time, we passed the body of a deer that had been hit by a car! He should always trust his mother. Through all of our talking, I realized just how lonely my son was up here. He is happier in Orlando than he would be in Fort Myers, but he was very lonely. I hope that in time, that will change. Orlando is a much better environment for someone young than where he was, but it would have been easier on him if someone that he was close to had come up here with him. If things had been different, I would have come up here. I guess that's a regret I'll have to live with. The rest of our day flew by. We went to Target to get some supplies. Some sweats and a blanket were needed if I was going to get any sleep in the icebox that Christopher calls his room. We went back to his room, got showers, caught up on reading e-mail and blogs, then went out to Olive Garden for dinner. The dinner was okay, but the company was outstanding. When we got back, we did some things to our cars. Christopher took off his old steering wheel cover and put on his new one. I washed my windows and then Rain-Xed them. After all this, I still had homework to do. I might have put it off until Wednesday except for the fact that I have a test on that chapter on Monday. Oh well. It took a while, but I finally finished the three sections. I have to say, it came in handy at one point to have a math guru nearby. I need to get some sleep, since I plan on getting up at a decent time tomorrow. Christopher is too, whether he wants to or not! I have to leave town by 12:30 or 1, so if we're going out to restock supplies, we need to get moving at a reasonable hour. Maybe 9:30 or 10? Why do I have the feeling that I'm going to have a battle when I wake up? Guess that would be because I know my son. Have a great night everyone (I guess that means you, James and maybe Liz?).

Live! From Orlando

Well, after a long, tiring day, I ended up driving to Orlando. I was planning on coming up Sunday, but Christopher talked me into coming up after work Saturday. Since I knew that I'd never get up early, this seemed like the best way to spend the most time together. On the subject of work: sometimes, I get so tired of working with people who don't do their job. Either they just don't give a crap, or they have no frigging idea how to do things the right way! The mistakes that are made are out of laziness or stupidity. If I'm doing a job, I'm going to do a good job. I'll pay attention to details and do a job that I'm proud of. That said, I'm glad that I'm here in Orlando and I'm looking forward to spending time with my son. Since it's WAY past my bedtime and I'm really tired after my long day, I'm going to sleep. Luckily for Christopher, I can sleep while he's awake :)